Dear CNN Headline News,

Dear CNN Headline News,
I understand that most companies in the United States give their employees the day off on July 4th. But when you're the nation's top news channel, with access to leading journalists in locations around the world, one would think that you'd be able to keep some people around the office just in case a story breaks. But apparently, times are tough over there in Atlanta, and you've had to resort to hiring monkeys to do temporary work on holidays.

How do I know that monkeys are working for you? How else can I explain the stupefying headline that appeared next to your segment on the arrest of Saddam Hussein's stepson, Mohammad Nour al-Din Saff? If you've forgotten, the headline was: Hussein on the Membrane.

No sir (or ma'am), I'm not making this up. That's your headline. But don't worry -- when I saw those words floating there next to your attractive, well-paid anchorwoman, it made me understand just how difficult things must be for you. And I realized that it's my patriotic duty to help you out in any way I can. So I sat down at my desk and came up with some more headlines for you. I hope you find them useful. They are as follows:

• Security Lax at LAX?
• Bush's Tush Gets a Push
• Bull-oney!
• Why You Should Give Up All Faith in Humankind

You are welcome to use these headlines free of charge, as needed. I hope they help you save some money during this downturn in the economy.

PS: If you do have to hire some temporary help again, might I suggest a high school journalism student? They poop less often than monkeys.