Simple Rules

Though I'd like to pretend that I pass the minutes away on my morning and evening commutes by thinking grand and wonderful thoughts, the truth is that most of my time is really spent crafting silent missives to the ridiculously annoying people who are everywhere.

Seeing that this is the case, I have decided to publish the aforementioned missives here so that I may return to thinking grand and wonderful thoughts (or that I may, at least, begin thinking them.) Please study them carefully.

Rules for Riding Public Transportation

1. Upon arriving at the turnstyles, have your ticket in hand and positioned such that it slides neatly into the appropriate slot at the side of the turnstyle. Should you realize that you have neglected to prepare your ticket in hand at this moment, get out of my way. For god's sake, do not stand in the turnstyle and block traffic while you search through your Gucci knockoff.
2. Once on the platform, politely join the appropriate queue and wait calmly until your train arrives. Should the arriving train turn out to be one that is not headed in your direction, step aside and get out of my way. Whatever you do, do not remain in queue, thus forcing others (namely, me) to fight their way around you to get on the train.
3. A corollary: Should the arriving train indeed be the one that will take you to your destination, wait your turn and be mindful of the passengers who are departing onto the platform. Do not try to get on while I am trying to get off. This will most certainly result in your receiving the worst sort of nasty glare that I can muster.
4. For many, the morning and evening train rides are a time for reflection and meditation. Should you feel the urge to answer your mobile phone, whose ringtone you have set to the William Tell Overture at the highest possible volume, tell your caller that you will return his or her call once you depart the train. Do not yack on and on in a manner that reveals to everyone else in the train just how terrible you think it is that Fantasia broke her shoe.
5. On occasion, the train car will be so full that some passengers will be required to stand in the aisle. Should this happen to you, be mindful of the passengers who are fortunate enough to have found seats. Do not stand so close that you are waving your backpack -- or worse yet, your crotch -- in their face.
6. It is an unfortunate fact of life that we all, at one point or another, will fall ill and our heads will, inevitably, fill with mucous. Should this happen to you, stay home. Please.
7. As with all social outings where people must gather in close proximity to one another, good hygiene is a must. If you have not brushed your teeth or masticated a pack of Listerine Oral Care Strips in, say, twelve hours, you should not board the train. Please.
8. When your train arrives at its destination, stand and calmly file out once the doors open. There is no need for pushing or shouting -- unless, of course, you are standing in my way. In that case, there will be a moderate amount of pushing and shouting.
9. And finally: Singing along with your iPod at any time is expressly forbidden.

I highly recommend that anyone who wishes to partake of the wonders of public transportation study and memorize these simple rules. If you are found to violate any one of them during my commute, rest assured that I will find a way to smote smite you.