Someone stole my identity.

Someone stole my identity. Whoever it was just walked up to my mailbox and took it while I was at work. The funny thing is, I wasn’t expecting to have my identity mailed to me. But they sent it anyway—the credit card companies, the banks, even Southwest Airlines. It’s possible that, as I’m typing this, the thief is flying high above the Pacific, on his way to Hawaii with my frequent flyer miles.

I know the thief is male because I saw him. This was after I had quit my job; and I don’t think he was expecting that, because when I came downstairs, I startled him. It’s summertime in San Francisco, which means it's grey and cold in the afternoons and so we both had our jackets on. But other than that, he didn’t look much like someone who had just taken my identity from me. He ran when I saw him. I like to think I look better when I run.

My fiancee knew something was wrong right away. You don’t seem like your usual self, she pointed out. She suggested I get a copy of my credit report, so I went online, where you can generally get a copy of anything. I found a place that was willing to sell me my own credit report for $35. I paid, but only because I really couldn’t come up with something more poignant to think about the sort of world where you can have your identity stolen and then have to buy back pieces of it.

I called the credit card companies listed on my report and one of them gave me a phone number. It was supposed to be my phone number, but it wasn’t. Apparently, people who steal other people’s identities don’t always have all your details and so they fake some of them. I decided to call the number just to see who would answer. I wondered if the thief would be on the other end and if he would sound anything like me. It turned out that it didn’t really matter because the number was disconnected.

I’ll admit, though, that I don’t really feel like I’ve lost my identity. I’m much the same as I’ve always been, with the exception of the times when I just don’t feel like myself, but that’s not an entirely new development. What bothers me, though, is the part about the thief filling in the incomplete details of my identity with fake information. It seems a bit like making a copy of a video tape that wasn’t perfect in the first place. Perhaps worst of all, he might have been reading letters intended for me all this time. I’ve already begun to forgive the friends I haven’t heard from in a while because maybe they have written to me after all. I just hope that the thief writes them back. Keeping in touch was something I was never good at.

During V.P. Dick Cheney's

During V.P. Dick Cheney's tenure as Secretary of Defense for the first Bush administration, he worked closely with the President to define U.S. policy for dealing with Iraq. That policy, also known as Operation Desert Storm, resulted in the destruction of numerous oil fields in Iraq. After leaving his government post, Cheney became CEO of Halliburton, an oil and energy services firm. During Cheney's reign as CEO, Halliburton subsidiaries used legal loopholes to form deals with Iraq totaling $23.8 million. The deals were to rebuild the oil fields damaged during the war.

If you're missing my point, dear reader, it is this: Can we trust politicians who gain financially from their policies? Rebuilding oil infrastructure that you once crippled is a highly lucrative business. (When Cheney left Halliburton to join the race to create a second Bush administration, he walked away with a $34 million retirement package.) It should come as no surprise that with Cheney back in office, the U.S. is again considering another move on Iraq. How much does our second-in-command stand to gain when he leaves office this time?

Pete Yost, of the

Pete Yost, of the Associated Press, writes: "It is a stock market whodunit that has withstood a decade of scrutiny. Who bought George W. Bush's problem-plagued oil company stock just before its value dropped?"

Oh, so that's what

Oh, so that's what it looks like to run with the bulls...

Dear CNN Headline News,

Dear CNN Headline News,
I understand that most companies in the United States give their employees the day off on July 4th. But when you're the nation's top news channel, with access to leading journalists in locations around the world, one would think that you'd be able to keep some people around the office just in case a story breaks. But apparently, times are tough over there in Atlanta, and you've had to resort to hiring monkeys to do temporary work on holidays.

How do I know that monkeys are working for you? How else can I explain the stupefying headline that appeared next to your segment on the arrest of Saddam Hussein's stepson, Mohammad Nour al-Din Saff? If you've forgotten, the headline was: Hussein on the Membrane.

No sir (or ma'am), I'm not making this up. That's your headline. But don't worry -- when I saw those words floating there next to your attractive, well-paid anchorwoman, it made me understand just how difficult things must be for you. And I realized that it's my patriotic duty to help you out in any way I can. So I sat down at my desk and came up with some more headlines for you. I hope you find them useful. They are as follows:

• Security Lax at LAX?
• Bush's Tush Gets a Push
• Bull-oney!
• Why You Should Give Up All Faith in Humankind

You are welcome to use these headlines free of charge, as needed. I hope they help you save some money during this downturn in the economy.

PS: If you do have to hire some temporary help again, might I suggest a high school journalism student? They poop less often than monkeys.

How's this for role-specific

How's this for role-specific navigation: The Web Developer's Journal organizes its articles by relevance to "Propheads", "Ponytails", and "Suits".