amit.asaravala.com

Do not get your head caught in the television.

If your head is severed, do not use the supplied bag to reattach it.

Sleepy astronauts not allowed.

Why do the express lines at the supermarket still allow people to pay by check?

Do Safeway executives really think I’ll be a more loyal customer if their clerks mispronounce my last name while they hand me my receipt?

Why doesn’t Krazy Glue just give up and admit that the only thing it’s good for is bonding your SKIN together?

Energy saving light bulbs are great for the environment and all, but what’s with wrapping them in a gigantic plastic blister pack that’s not even recyclable?

Sure, “lost in translation” instructional text is old news. But damn, it’s funny — especially when you come across a “trouble shooting q&a” for a wooden tissue box that you just received from Japan.

That’s right, it’s just a box, made out of wood, with a hole in it for your Kleenex. (Direct all inquiries about why the original box that Kleenex comes in is no good to the Wife, please.) Nonetheless, there is a troubleshooting guide for this box. And it contains some of my favorite lines ever written in the English language:

Q: I have changed color when I touched it in the water.

A: I am not limited to the painting and attach all products to water, and please do not hang it on fire.

That’s actually pretty good advice.

Q: I want to let strength of a combination part be more solid.

A: I have enough strength, but it is trouble… In addition, on that occasion I do not bear one slice of responsibility about a change of color and deformity, the damage that occurred in us.

I’ve started moderating the incoming comments on this blog — yes, yes, all three that I get each year, I get it, you’re funny — because I wasn’t able to delete all the comment spam fast enough. So this means I now have to scan through a long list of recently posted comments whenever I get a spare moment every few days and look for comments that I want to approve. And in doing so, I’ve noticed something kind of odd: Apparently, I’ve got a spammer who feels bad about filling up my blog with comments that link to all sorts of shady Web sites that sell questionable pharmaceuticals.

How do I know he (or she) feels bad about spamming my site? Check out the sort of notes he’s leaving next to all the shady links:

• “Sorry that I did that”
• “Deeply sorry for that”
• “Really sorry for this”
• “Please don’t be angry”
• “Please forgive me”

Ah, San Diego. One of the few places where you talk about “summer car care tips” in late December.

1.
Now, I don’t know much about things that end in “Faire,” but it seems to me that if one were to find one’s self in the apparently embarrassing position of having shown up to a Renaissance Faire wearing clothes that would be more appropriate for a Dickens Faire, it would be possible to alleviate the situation simply by throwing one’s arms wide and shouting, “Behold! I am from the future!”

2.
Men, the skinny black pant is not for you.

Buried at the bottom of an article about the University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremonies:

Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who earned a master’s degree in positive psychology, was among the approximately 6,000 graduates.

“In America, Jodie Foster speaks at your university’s commencement ceremony. In Soviet Russia, your university jails you for seeing a Jodie Foster movie! Haa!”

From an article about magician — er, endurance masochist — David Blaine and his little accident last night:

As early as on the second day of his challenge, Gunel said, there was evidence that Blaine was suffering liver failure; the medical team consulted with medical experts at NASA before stabilizing his condition.

It’s so nice to see NASA being put to good use.

There are so, so many things wrong with this item that just appeared on my Google News page. Why does this story need eight updates? Why did it get picked up by Forbes? Why did it get picked up by nearly 300 other places? WHY IS IT EVEN A STORY, FER CRYIN’ OUT LOUD?